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Deployment and the Well-being of Your Child
Deployment, violence, terrorism and war are difficult for adults, but children are involved as well, with far less understanding. What can you do?
Deployment, violence, terrorism and war are difficult for adults, but children are involved as well, with far less understanding. What can you do?
Here are some resources and tips.
Remember that your children are keen to your reactions, and their response will largely depend on what they pick up from you about your feelings.
They rely on you for comfort, reassurance and interpretation of events, regardless of their age. As best we can, we need to manage our emotions, acknowledge them, keep perspective, and maintain our own support networks in order to nurture out children.
Just like on the airplane, when we’re told to apply the mask to ourselves first and then to our children, take care of yourself so you can take care of your child – physically and emotionally.
IF YOU’RE THE PARENT BEING DEPLOYED
Start to prepare the child early for your departure. Talk openly about your feelings, positive and negative. Let them help you pack, counting socks and t-shirts, for instance. Use pictures and maps to show where you’re going, if you can. Remember even adults are confused about the different countries and ‘players’. Place photos of yourself in their bedroom, on the refrigerator, etc. Make secret codes, like “When you look at the moon at night, I will be too. It’s the same moon no matter how far away I am.” Mention you will miss a birthday, or special occasion. Plan some counting method for days before return – jellybeans, a retrofitted Advent calendar. Spend extra quality time with your children as the time approaches. Express your pride in your service to your country. Talk openly, routinely, and face-to-face.
For more deployment tips for parents, go here.
HOW TO TALK ABOUT VIOLENCE & NEWS
Monitor your child’s viewing of the news; allow it only when you’re in the room and can process it with them. Look for appropriate news sources for kids such as Nick News. Here’s a sample of something you can say: “Were you scared by what you saw on the news? You’ll be fine. I’m here to take care of you and we’re just fine.”
SOME TIPS ON TALKING WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT TOUGH ISSUES from talkingwithkids.org.
1. Start early
2. Initiate conversations with your child
3. Create an open environment.
4. Communicate your values.
5. Listen to your child.
6. Try to be honest.
7. Be patient.
8. Use everyday opportunities to talk.
Go here for how to talk to children specifically about violence.
Tips on talking about terrorism.
How to talk with your child about feelings.
YOUR CHILD’S RESPONSE
Children react differently according to their age and also their temperament. A young child may have eating disturbances, nightmares, or refuse to go to school, while a teenager may minimize but become argumentative or reflect upset by failing school performance.
It’s important to explain events in terms the child can understand. Seek professional help if you need to.
BEHAVIORAL RESPONSES TO WATCH FOR
Here are some signs to watch for in your child that indicate trouble and perhaps the need for professional intervention:
Clinging behavior, shadowing you around the house, excessive anxiety over separation Sleep disturbances – nightmares, bedwetting Loss of concentration and irritability Startled and jumpy Physical complaints (stomachache, headache) for which there’s no physical cause Withdrawal, sadness, decreased activity, preoccupation
SOME WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD COPE
Process your feelings with your child, and teach ways you self-soothe. For instance, you might say, “I missed your dad so much this morning, I went out to the garden and remembered what good times we had out there planting the beans.”
Or, "I was really tired when I got home from work today, so I missed your mom more than usual. Then I took a nap and felt a little better.”
In this way, you’re helping your child learn emotional intelligence – awareness of emotions and how to manage them. Teach your child ways to self-soothe, and also alert them to when emotions are harder to manage – when we’re tired, hungry, alone, angry.
COMPLEXITIES
Much of what goes on – the feelings and circumstances - are complex, and you can share this with your child as well. Remember that feelings are often ^onioned^ – sadness, anger, fatigue and resentment may all be sandwiched in there.
Also the events that are going on involve things even adults don’t understand – why there is war, what will happen, who’s doing what, and even locations that are secret.
While you appropriately express your own emotions – concern, confusion – stress also that you're coping, and how you cope, and that you’ll keep your child safe.
THE WAITING … THE NOT KNOWING …
ParentStages has an excellent article on how to cope, how to attend to what needs to be done, and where to get help.
Remember to stay in the moment, and to be loving and allow yourself to be loved. Hug and touch.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.
About the Author
Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, GLOBAL EQ. Emotional intelligence coaching to enhance all areas of your life - career, relationships, midlife transition, resilience, self-esteem, parenting. EQ Alive! - excellent, accelerated, affordable EQ coach certification. Susan is the author of numerous ebooks, is widely published on the Internet, and a regular speaker for cruise lines. For marketing services go here.
Written by: Susan Dunn
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